Five Loaves and Two Fish

The ancient Greeks used three words to describe what is translated, quite dilutely, into English as “love”: agape, philia, and eros. Only the first two explicitly appear in Scripture. Of the three, philia (φιλíα) describes the type of love and affection that exists between family members, true companions, and church members.

In Aristotle’s Rhetoric, he describes philia involving a friend who “will always try, for your sake, to do what he takes to be good for you.” Another translation states philia implies “wanting for someone what one thinks good, for his sake and not for one’s own, and being inclined, so far as one can, to do such things for him.” Sounds ideally how a parent would treat his child, how a friend would treat his companion, and how a minister would, minister. Philia in action is quite beautiful, really. At least the concept itself we deem palatable. Everyone would say that they love their friends. I like them, they like me. We get along quite well. But actually receiving philia in its full form is an entirely different ordeal. It is strange how human nature is so averse to philia when it is shown in its defining moment. For philia–true friendship, true love–is marked also by rebuke, exhortation, and quite bluntly, telling someone he is wrong; please change. Without that component, “philia” isn’t philia. And what you may call friendship isn’t true friendship. For true love “does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth” (1 Cor 13:6).

Part of our rejection of rebuke is sinful human nature; none of us like being told that we are in the wrong, nor do we like being dictated what to do. Since Adam, we have been failures at following teachings and commandments that were placed for our good. The other contribution to our disdain of correction is that overwhelmingly, we are influenced by a postmodern culture where moral rights and wrongs are heavily blurred and widespread moral tolerance is promoted. In essence, our postmodern society rejects absolute truth, needless to say moral truth; so who are you to tell me that I am wrong? Christians often confuse the problem by misquoting the Bible, saying Jesus Christ told us not to judge either. Thus, in church circles, when correction out of philia arises, the (incorrect) reaction becomes, why are you judging me? (But if we have received the promised Holy Spirit, we understand there is absolute truth. Most of it lies in the Bible. In terms of experience, truly, if we pray for a matter, seeking the opinion and guidance of the Holy Spirit, we should both receive the same conclusion. Otherwise one or both of us are quenching the Spirit).

The method to go about rebuking and correcting another is not to be addressed here. (Very briefly: privately, Act 18:26, Mt 18:15-16; gently , Gal 6:1, 1 Tim 5:1-2, Jas 5:18-19.) What is to be addressed is understanding philia, true friendship.

True friendship, as found in the Bible, seeks the ultimate good of the other, which is to remove the sins in their companion’s life. It’s not just about good times, good company, favors for one another, and the like. True friends mold one another towards perfection, never overlooking sin. It isn’t just about hanging out, enjoying laughs, and non-conflict. A true friend speaks up when he sees you partying too much, getting too involved too soon with a girlfriend, getting high on illicit drugs, and when he sees you being swayed by the world. Contrary to worldly friendship, he’s the one that won’t cover for you. He exposes you instead. But it’s not to the public; he rats you out to yourself, to your conscience, so you are exposed to the Light. This friend understands that your “friendship with the world is enmity with God” (Jas 4:4). (Ironically, this quotation from James uses φιλíα too). Philia brings wayward friends to repentance, hating prolonged darkness (2 Tim 2:22).

In light of this, when someone does offer a word of correction, while it is natural to be defensive at first, explore the statement rather than automatically reject it. Typically what your friend said at the very least has some kernel of truth in it. If you had no hint of it, it probably wouldn’t have been so carefully brought to your attention. Ultimately, his motivation is to seek your ultimate good. Additionally, if a relational rift has arisen due to something your once-friend said, prayerfully consider what happened. Consider, was it indeed said out of love? Does your conscience truly stand clear before God of the accusation? Seek reconciliation regardless.

In a different context, everything that your RE teacher, counselor, or pastor said to you that was hard to swallow–do you now despise them for it? Consider, does your conscience truly stand clear before God of the correction? Can we now see that they were acting out of love and not of evil? They were seeking your ultimate good, and trying to be faithful watchmen and shepherds.

Conversely, for those who hesitate in offering a corrective word to a friend, please still do it, prayerfully and wisely, privately and gently. You struggle with it. It’s understandable–why introduce conflict into an otherwise peaceful relationship? You question if it is loving. But understand: it is love to tell someone they are wrong. Parents do it all the time for their children. And our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, who calls us his friends, declares, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten” (Jn 15:15, Rev 3:19). Mhm, they may not like it, nor like you afterwards, but it is love. This extends into evangelism as well. We are afraid to preach because we do not like to offend. Yet true love sometimes offends.

Proverbs declares, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend,” and “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Pro 27:6, 17). As a mother wouldn’t hesitate to point out a developing vice in her child, a minister, RE teacher, or brother in Christ should do so too. It will sting your friend, but in the Spirit you understand it is for their ultimate good. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” Wounds. From friends. Even the eccentric Oscar Wilde echoed this concept, saying, “A true friend stabs you in the front.”

It is my prayer then, that as we struggle towards heaven, that our journey is filled not only with joyful times amidst suffering, but also with words of encouragement, accountability, and exhortation. I appreciate it when my mom or dad points out things I need to change. And I appreciate it when my friends reveal my weaknesses. And I know I will appreciate it when my wife loving addresses my sins which she will see in plain view. Like a mirror, they show me ugliness I may not see unless I fix my gaze into one. Likewise, I also hope my friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and RE/NYTS/SSC students would appreciate it when I tell them they are in the wrong. In mutual accountability, we are being true friends. We are showing love. We are showing, in its fullest form, φιλíα.